Bad Movie Society - Nic Cage

If it weren't for Nic Cage, 1993's Deadfall would have been on a Fred Claus level. Dig writer/ director Christopher Coppola for a moment. When he's not Ali G'ing hard on his imdb page, he's creating pieces of crap such as Deadfall. Plot needed serious resuscitation. Cliches abounded. Just festering work, really. 

On the other hand, Cage turns in a maniacal performance as con artist Eddie. Channeling Frank Booth in the worst way, Cage mumbles, then yells, and then fights his way to an untimely death in a deep fryer. Viva la fuckin' France, man. Please help me find his Deadfall highlight reel on Youtube.

Then there was Know1ng. Yes, it's spelled with a 1. Completely unacceptable film about the world's end. Mix The Da Vinci Code with Signs with third-rate sci-fi, and you've got an abomination replete with time capsules, psychopathic-soothsaying dead grandmothers, and a race to save the movie's children. Cage's performance is subdued in comparison, but that doesn't mean Know1ng is worse. It's a better film than Deadfall. Deadfall is classic 'dear filmmakers, don't do this ever' fodder. Pure WGN sports rain-delay material. 

Bringing Out the Dead should have been better. Martin Scorsese directed it. You know him because he's awesome. Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Casino...need I go on? He's the man, and yet, his '99 film about Cage as a desperate NY ambulance driver is confusing and uninspired. 

So we haven't had much luck with minor Nicolas Cage, and yet, I want to see Wicker Man badly.

Bad Movie Society - Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Writer/ director George Barry made Death Bed: The Bed That Eats in 1977 and apparently forgot about it until 2003, when it was re-released. I thought it would be good-bad like a lot of the other horror films I like, but Barry had something else in mind. Yellow digestive foam and skeleton hands aside, Death Bed is a pretty serious film, and creepy at that. Cross Samuel Beckett, Alejandro Jodorowsky, and Evil Dead 2, throw some dust on the film stock, and add a soundtrack of antiquated synth and pulsing percussion, and you have Death Bed. Gratuitous nudity and poor acting merely sweeten the deal. Happy Halloween!

Bad Movie Society - The Human Centipede

From the freakish mind of Dutch writer/ director, Tom Six, comes The Human Centipede, a film which rides its unusual premise from start to finish. 

Think of your least favorite centipede. He just crawled out of your drain when you were brushing your teeth. She just ran up the wall and out of sight when you flipped on the basement light. Always lurking, never caught.

Six's human centipede is only three human beings surgically attached ass-to-mouth, ass-to-mouth. The first hour of the film is spent imagining what this thing will look like, and the last forty minutes plays like a slasher. The finest slasher, Halloween, is about Michael Myers chasing Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis), who is slow (but faster than Michael, who still catches up). Not much is different about Human Centipede, but the h.c. is slower than Laurie. Makes sense. The h.c. doesn't behave like an actual centipede at all. Real centipedes aren't slow as shit and don't share digestive tracts. The three components of Six's creation barely get from room to room, and yet they still evade Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser). The viewer is all like c'monnnnn.

Speaking of Dieter Laser, that dude is a fantastic actor. He is intense, hard, and capable of making some impossibly funny faces. Great villain. He explains the science of the h.c. to his victims stoically, and his pool has a futuristic robot cover. Makes me weak with the hope that one day I will be large and in-charge like Dieter, an owner of my very-own mechanized pool cover. 

You'll like Human Centipede if you like to be grossed out. If you've seen it and want to be grossed out more, you shouldn't worry about a thing because Six is making two more films. Hence, First Sequence. The biggest surprise, maybe, was that Human Centipede looked slick and crisp- maybe even a little too crisp- and wasn't campy. Plus, two women are naked the whole time with minimal gratuitous nudity. Supwitdat? Six is serious about his h.c.. He will never crush it, never trap it in a Kleenex and flush it down the toilet. Never drown it in the shower because he's too scared to trap it in a Kleenex and flush it down the toilet.

Bad Movie Society - 2012

 

Christmas is a time for friends and families to get together and exchange presents.  Yesterday, three friends and I convened at the Tivoli in Downers Grove and received a lump of coal from director/ producer Roland Emmerich.  I didn't know it going in, but our trip to see 2012 became the first impromptu meeting of the Bad Movie Society, and also our first field trip.

I didn't know much about Emmerich's career until I looked him up on imdb this morning.  Turns out, he is responsible for one of my favorite movies, Independence Day, plus a lot of duds like The Day After Tomorrow and 10,000 BC.  I kept thinking how 2012 had a lot in common with ID:  Brisk walks through the halls of the White House, blowing up the White House, Air Force One, global destruction, giant vehicles, digital countdowns and probably a million other things I'm forgetting.  I'd like to focus on one aspect of Emmerich's moviemaking that really struck me: the pursuit of people by disasters and their effects.


Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) narrowly flees an earthquake in a limo, drives a plane away from a volcanic firestorm, and holds his breath for like, a half-hour while tsunamis approach.  He drives a motorhome really fast, and when chunks of molten earth explode in front of him, he maneuvers that clumsy thing around them goddamnit.  What made ID convincing was that the aliens could only attack so fast.  If you got out of the city, you were safe for at least a little while.  In 2012, airport runways collapse behind our heroes, and just when you think it's alright- whew, they made it, they're in the air- the skyline of Las Vegas takes its best shot.  No relief and no release of tension.  Combine that with the greatest act of Russian heroism since the Cold War, and you've got 2012.  I'm leaving out so much.  There's Woody Harrelson!  So bad, it's good.  Highly recommmended.

Bad Movie Society - The Star Wars Holiday Special

Until a few months ago, I didn't know about The Star Wars Holiday Special. Downers Grove's #1 internet personality without Facebook, John, told me about it. This was one of the nicest things he's done for me besides writing songs for our band, and let me tell you why. Star Wars is a great movie franchise, but Star Wars as a variety show is very bad. You get Chewbacca's relatives, a performance by the already terrible Jefferson Starship, and enough corniness to make Return of the Jedi blush. Cult-fans approve Boba Fett's introduction (I think this guy liked him a lot back in the day, too), but that's about all there is that's valuable here.  As such, I enjoy it very much. Find part 1 below, and you can do the rest. I should note that finding a hard copy of this is not easy, and that is why I love youtube.

Bad Movie Society - Fred Claus

Don't see Fred Claus. Read my review, but do not see it ever.

1. The actors lack chemistry to the point where I found myself questioning whether they had ever met each other. Did they film their scenes alone and have the editors mash them together? How would it feel to act with Vince Vaughn talking over you, rambling to discover something funny, and straying from the already too-complicated plot? I felt bad for Giamatti and Weisz, but hey, they signed on.

2. What kind of a movie is Fred Claus? It was too serious to be a children's movie, too goofy to be an adult movie, and not magical enough to qualify as a holiday film. The cast and crew jumped around from recession-era big business criticism to dancing elves to race relations. Oof. I wished they would have watched The Santa Clause to understand the importance of streamlining major holiday releases.

3. Speaking of race relations, what the hell was going on with them in Fred Claus? Fred (Vince Vaughn) is friend to the stereotypical street-wise black orphan, Slam (Bobb'e J. Thompson from Role Models), who takes Fred's advice too much to heart and becomes a jerk. In the end, everyone is redeemed, and Vaughn gets to play the open-minded hero. I don't buy it, and I don't buy that the only noticeable black elf was Ludacris, a disc jockey, and I don't buy that Fred dates a cool, beautiful British girl (Rachel Weisz, hubba hubba, best part of the movie).

4. Fred Claus made me laugh authentically, at my most generous estimate, twice. I laughed because I hated the film way more than that, but that kind of laughter also kills my soul.

5. 1 hour and 55 minutes. So long.

I hated Fred Claus, and now I kind of hate myself. Bah humbug.

Bad Movie Society - Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

The success of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon hinges on how much the audience likes enormous sharks devouring whole life rafts and sexually suggestive dialogue (although how I can call this sexually "suggestive" is beyond me). Like so many other bad films, Shark Attack 3 doesn't get good until the last 30 minutes, but boy are those minutes good. Watching wealthy investors jump into the jaws of a prehistoric shark has never been this satisfying.

Bonus points for the ill-conceived Luis (Bashar Rahal), a party-lovin', cliche-spurtin mess of a character. Very funny. Also note when the movie was made. Navy divers diving, Bush lovers thriving, and shark fans high fiving. God bless America.

Happy Thanksgiving. Next week, bad Christmas movies. Fred Claus anyone?

Bad Movie Society - Raptor Island

In Raptor Island, Hack (Lorenzo Lamas), Jamie (Hayley Dumond), and comrades get marooned on an island that didn't get the memo about the dinosaurs being extinct. Alas, there are raptors all over it, not to mention their arch-nemesis Azir (Steven Bauer). Their goal, somehow, becomes destroying the raptors by way of explosives. Why not hide in the airplane fusilage until rescue arrives? Good question!

I expected the bad CGI. When Hack shoots raptors, I was reminded of my favorite 90s arcade game. They were ugly and unrealistic. I did not expect the dreadfully long, paint-peeling boringness of Hack and Jamie's conversations. Jesus Christ, go into the minutiae of your pasts why don't you? Didn't ask for that!

Overall, I don't recommend Raptor Island. If you need a taste, watch the first 20 minutes. You'll see the raptors, you'll get a feel for the dialogue, and the characters don't change at all so you don't have to worry about a dynamic ending. How Sci-fi felt this movie acceptable for their channel is a mystery to me. Must be why I don't get it anymore.

Bad Movie Society - Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

To anyone who asked on Thursday: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is loosely based on real-life killer Henry Lee Lucas. With that out of the way, I'll say that this movie was really good, and during one scene, painful to watch. Director John McNaughton did his best with the $110,000 budget to craft realistic murder scenes and hire capable actors. Though the film drifted into camp occasionally, the team pulled it together in the end. I particularly appreciated the aforementioned rape/ murder scene that occurs in a stranger's house. McNaughton knows what's uncomfortable and terrifying. By showing the scene through the lens of Henry's camera, we get to feel like voyeurs, observers of a snuff scene, pervs, and participants. Truly messed up.

Another highlight for me was the soundtrack. Industrial soundscapes with creepy synths and massive drums made for some of the best horror movie music I've heard in a long time. Next week, we'll be watching Suspiria, with soundtrack by "Goblin." Master horror-movie-watcher Chris ensures me that the soundtrack to Suspiria trumps all. We shall see.

Bad Movie Society - Peeping Tom

I thought only students and teachers had Columbus Day off; I never knew postal workers did too! Unfortunately, that meant we couldn't watch Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer on Wednesday. Instead, we watched Michael Powell's Peeping Tom (1960). Too bad because it wasn't scary or even very engaging.

How was I supposed to know?! It got the Criterion treatment, and I heard critics refer to it as the British Psycho. In Peeping Tom, Mark (Karlheinz Bohm) gets his kicks by filming women, killing them, and then watching his footage. He connects with Helen (Anna Massey), but their connection cannot save him. He continues killing and spiraling out of control until the climactic end.

So voyeurism used to be scary, but it isn't anymore, or maybe I'm too much of a voyeur to have a proper perspective on the topic. This movie has no nudity, no gore, no hardened violence, and that's a problem. I've talked about the power of suggestion/ subtlety in horror movies before, but a few home movie clips of a tormented youth hardly build tension. If you remember back to Psycho, we know Norman is fucked because he's talking to his corpse-mom. All we know about Mark is that his childhood sucked, and now he likes to take home movies. Where I come from, people with this problem listen to Mineral or the rawest of black metal and pick up Livejournaling. The makers of this film should have put less stake in their philosophy books. My friend Chris, horror-movie fan numero uno, agrees. We talked about it at Cro-Mags a little before the Clockwork Orange theme kicked in.

Bad Movie Society - Audition

If an American production company wants to remake Audition, they'll inevitably completely change the things that make Audition special. With a running time of just under two hours, Audition takes its time creating tension and atmosphere. Frankly, I don't think the American public would wait it out. Sucks for them, because the last forty minutes deliver on the promise of the beginning. The shocking violence makes us question whether we're watching the same movie at all. At the actual "audition," director Takashi Miike inserts a montage which plays out more like a Richard Gere romantic comedy than a horror film. Fortunately, he spares no expense at the end; our minds wander as Asami (Eihi Shiina) does unspeakable things to Shigeharu (Ryo Ishibashi). Maybe Miike had a small budget or a bad costuming/ effects department, because he keeps the end slightly classy by not showing the needles actually entering the nasal cavity. Just saying.

Bad Movie Society - Night of the Living Dead

Last week, the BMS changed things up and didn't watch bad movies. Instead, we (meaning, me and Andrew) watched 1968's Night of the Living Dead. The lighting was surprisingly creepy considering the budget, and the acting was above-average considering the budget. Considering the budget, I'd say Night of the Living Dead was pretty good!

Let's get specific about what makes this movie fun/creepy. When Barbara's (Judith O'Dea) brother is killed by cemetery-zombies, she flees to a farmhouse. There, she runs into Ben (Duane Jones), a black guy who pretty much takes over as leader and only common sense-haver. Barbara gets all catatonic for the rest of the film. She wasn't attacked or infected, but she gets zombie-fied nonetheless. The horror lies not in the zombies outside, but in Barbara's zombie-like disposition. What's her problem, and what is she gonna do?

This is a problem a lot of modern horror movies have: no power of suggestion. George Romero, the director, lets us know that there's a zombie-child in the basement, but he never gives us a candid look; she's just a threat. Hell, we don't even get to see the zombies outside too much. The real terror lies in the boarding up of windows, the conversations people have about the child they know must be killed, and the bizarro-world in which a black guy can order around white people with success. Just kidding about the last one, but imagine what some moviegoers must have thought!

PS. An amazing sweatshirt.

Bad Movie Society - Troll 2

These last 2 weeks, I've been conducting an open-ended experiment in which I invite my friends over to watch bad movies. I call it "The Bad Movie Society." I try to choose movies that are so bad, they're good, and so far we've watched The Room and Troll 2. How bad can it get? We shall dive head first into the pits of taste. Hopefully we live to laugh about it.

In Troll 2, goblins (not trolls) terrorize a family vacationing in a rural community. The acting is weak, the plot is confusing, and the dialogue is stiff. This movie truly stinks. The filmmakers seem to want to make a horror/ thriller, but their execution is laughable. A truly good horror movie builds and releases tension. Take the Michael Myers walk. The audience forgives Michael's "laziness" because they know he will ultimately catch up to his victim. In Troll 2, the goblins give the Waits family all the time in the world to eat their poisonous food (which is hardly enough, as the Waits family is monumentally stupid and slow at coming up with plans). The only acceptable responses from the audience are to leave or celebrate brainpower. Even we could make a better picture.

Still, I recommend Troll 2. There are some great one-liners, a popcorn sex scene, and this. Next week, in honor of October, we'll be straying from the usual format to watch Night of the Living Dead.